I am in a great space today. I am seeing clearly what exactly it is I want and the obvious path I must take to get there. And lucky for me, it is the path I am already on. Today is the day after the inspection of our home. I have no idea how it went, but I am going to presume all went well seeing as we too just had it inspected a year ago when we bought it. Our original plan was to lay in wait of the closing date and pay the new owners rent for a couple weeks after the signing before selling off all of our worldly possessions in case something were to fall through - but you know what? I do not think anything is going to fall through. This house is amazing and the new owners are getting an amazing deal. We are making out just fine ourselves as we are able to shed this huge responsibility that has been holding us where we stand. To me, that freedom is priceless. We may be losing a few thousand dollars from our bank account but the gains we will be making elsewhere cannot be measured.
I have been doing a lot of reading and writing the past few days in an attempt to wrap my brain around the enormous step we are about to take. Four months ago when Troy and I made the decision to take our dreams out of the clouds and plant them firmly on the ground, it was easy to produce excitement. Everything was new and crazy. The thought of freedom from all of the labels and standards we have put on ourselves was absolutely exhilarating. The mere idea of giving everything up and heading for adventure would keep me up each night due to the unending cycles of giggles and pure glee my inner being would release. It was magical and I was walking on air each day. Unfortunately I did happen to float back down a bit when real life interrupted my happy fantasy of the future. I lost a loved one, many plans had to be altered do to obligations, house showings, jobs, unenthusiastic reactions to our overly optimistic view of our life... You know, normal stuff. We have continued on - motivated mostly by our past enthusiasm and inner assurance that all this boring day to day stuff will soon be worth it.
This morning it occurred to me that I am now in my future. I understand this is obvious, but it struck me as kind of a big deal. I was standing in my dining room dividing up my belongings into three piles - saved mementos to store in Mom's attic (we each have one bin), trash and sell - it was here that I felt a rush of knowing that I am EXACTLY where I am supposed to be. Just months ago I was dreaming of this day and of all of my future days to come. This is one of those moments where I made a big dent in the letting go. I have been fighting this reality since the phone call telling me about the offer on the house. Hostility and resentment have plagued my thoughts. I was angry at the people who want my house and my things. Upset by both realtors and the loss of money we will have to endure. Mad at myself for buying the house in the first place and then selling it so stupid quick. Tossing and turning at night and sobbing intermittently throughout the days. Each day has been easier, but today I finally got it. I asked for this. This exact thing. And I got it. This blows my mind. As soon as the thought occurred, I realized that of course this is what I want. I have spent years dreaming of a day in which I could spend every waking hour with my boy and our amazing babes in a fashion of freedom and adventure. And here is that exact opportunity. It has not been the house, the jobs, the school nor any other responsibility that has been standing in my way from making this happen before now - it has been me. Similarly it is not the the new owners or the realtors who have been plaguing me with anxiety this week. It is my own doubts and fears that are preventing my joy at this situation. A self sabotaging jerk named Erin.
I want this and I am not going to be quiet about this desire or feel bad about wanting something different than what others want. Everyone has their own path to follow and apparently ours has not been well tread. That is okay. I am fine with that. It may scare some but I cannot help that. We can lead the way and maybe one day others too will choose something different than the obvious choice. In addition to my choice of direction, I also choose to move forward without fear. I want to live a life of excitement and fear has no place here to dwell. I honestly believe that we make a choice in each thought we think and each feeling we allow to enter our being. Fear is no longer welcome here. I am moving on. Out of this house and out of that state of mind.
There is one part of this journey that we are about to embark on that I have not yet mentioned to many people. Not because I have not wanted to but because it has been a very hush hush process. It is at the core of our motivation for leaving Traverse City and going on this tour. It is true that Troy and I have always wanted an unconventional life and one that involves great amounts of travel and time with our babies. It has been in our dreams and discussions for over a decade. Never did it seem doable however. Never was there a great enough reason to give us cause to destroy everything we now have in exchange for the trip. Fortunate are we that this past December we were given the inspiration for an idea that fueled our passion to create and a good enough reason to roam. The idea was so big and so real in our mind that we knew if it was not followed through with we could never forgive ourselves for our lack of trying. We decided to risk everything that is our now in hopes that our idea will bring about a different future for ourselves and our family. In a few weeks time our new website will be ready to go live. We have been spending the last few months planning for its release and all the interesting changes that will bring about for us. We continue to plan and search for the best possible ways to introduce our ideas to creative people everywhere. Imaginative people. People with dreams bigger than their reality. People like us. I enjoy thinking about all of the lovely folk out there that we may be fortunate enough impact in a small way. I think we can be helpful. Actually I know we can. If you know something of use, I feel that there is an obligation to to share it with those who are seeking.
I look forward to this evening of rest. No more tossing and no more turning. I have the feeling that the insane giggles may find a way of return to my mind. There are big things out there waiting for us. Sights that my eyes have never seen. People I have been meaning to meet. I feel so lucky - so blessed.